Ok, I admit that I've been bad. I haven't updated in a really long time, but I haven't really felt like writing. It's not because things are bad really. In fact, in my years of blogging, I tend to write more when things are bad. So don't worry my pretties...things are swell.
I promise I'll be back when I feel like writing again. I'll be back.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
05-21-07
I haven't really written much about how I feel about CP. He really represents the last thing I was looking for, and perhaps it really is better that way. Were I left to wait until I actually felt ready/prepared/open to date somebody, I’d probably be a very old, very bitter man.
I’m not very good at defining relationships, and that’s been a sticking point for me in the past. In previous relationships where the term boyfriend was used, there were an intricate series of tiny steps that led to the title. However, I’ve come to the realization over the past several months that I tend to overanalyze the joy out of casually dating someone. This part of dating, the initial trial period, is the good part. It’s supposed to be heady and impetuous and magical, and my tendency is to question what the fuck it all means. And sometimes, what it means is that you’re just supposed to learn about the other guy and have fun in the process.
I keep reminding myself of this.
In other news, I just learned today the word blog is actually a shortened form of web log. Did everyone know this but me?
I’m not very good at defining relationships, and that’s been a sticking point for me in the past. In previous relationships where the term boyfriend was used, there were an intricate series of tiny steps that led to the title. However, I’ve come to the realization over the past several months that I tend to overanalyze the joy out of casually dating someone. This part of dating, the initial trial period, is the good part. It’s supposed to be heady and impetuous and magical, and my tendency is to question what the fuck it all means. And sometimes, what it means is that you’re just supposed to learn about the other guy and have fun in the process.
I keep reminding myself of this.
In other news, I just learned today the word blog is actually a shortened form of web log. Did everyone know this but me?
Sunday, May 20, 2007
05-20-07
Well, here we are at yet another Sunday evening, and I'm mentally preparing to start the week again. I'm off this Friday, then Monday is Memorial Day, so it's going to be a short week with an equally long weekend. I'm looking forward to it.
I'm finding that I somehow went from mildly dreading spending time with CP to really looking forward to it. Let me clarify: spending time with someone new is really hard for me because that whole "getting to know you" thing is really hard. However we're both a bit dorky, so we balance each other out.
Anywho, CP is coming over tomorrow night to cook dinner with me and to watch the Heroes season finale. I can't wait to see how the season ends.
Did I mention that last night CP brought me chocolates from The Chocolate Bar?
Changing the subject, I realize that I haven't been writing in my blog much these days. I guess I've been letting my internal filters - what few I have left - censor the process. I have yet to determine if that's a good thing.
To tell the truth, I've been trying to just let go and experience some joy. There's a lot of it there, and after 7 years of blogging I can't let go of the feeling that I need to chronicle it somewhere to keep from losing sight of it. If I don't write it down, did it really happen?
If a tree falls down in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Man, I have gone on a major tangent. I do believe it's time to curl up in bed with a good book.
I'm finding that I somehow went from mildly dreading spending time with CP to really looking forward to it. Let me clarify: spending time with someone new is really hard for me because that whole "getting to know you" thing is really hard. However we're both a bit dorky, so we balance each other out.
Anywho, CP is coming over tomorrow night to cook dinner with me and to watch the Heroes season finale. I can't wait to see how the season ends.
Did I mention that last night CP brought me chocolates from The Chocolate Bar?
Changing the subject, I realize that I haven't been writing in my blog much these days. I guess I've been letting my internal filters - what few I have left - censor the process. I have yet to determine if that's a good thing.
To tell the truth, I've been trying to just let go and experience some joy. There's a lot of it there, and after 7 years of blogging I can't let go of the feeling that I need to chronicle it somewhere to keep from losing sight of it. If I don't write it down, did it really happen?
If a tree falls down in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Man, I have gone on a major tangent. I do believe it's time to curl up in bed with a good book.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
05-19-07
Ok, I went with CP last night to see Spider Man 3, and I was disappernted. There was so many storyline going on that I couldn't keep up. Then we came back to my aperntment and hung out a while. I was in bed by 11:30.
Tonight CP is coming over and we're going to watch a documentary called Gates of Heaven that I've wanted to watch for ages. I also think we're going to play Scrabble.
In the meantime, I can't stop watching this:
S-S-S-S-Samantha Fox! She totally needs to make a comeback.
Tonight CP is coming over and we're going to watch a documentary called Gates of Heaven that I've wanted to watch for ages. I also think we're going to play Scrabble.
In the meantime, I can't stop watching this:
S-S-S-S-Samantha Fox! She totally needs to make a comeback.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
05-17-07
Oh blogging...how I love ye.
I love recording my thoughts for the whole world to see.
But wait, I haven't blogged in 4 whole days!
Cuz instead I've been sitting on the couch with my knitting and some Lays.
I say that in jest...it was really takeout Chinese. Last night CP came over and we got takeout from Dragon Bowl and then watched Grey Gardens. I loved it. As my friend Scott pointed out, the scene where the mother is boiling corn on a hot plate in her bedroom is priceless. "He always complements me on my corn..."
Awesome.
I just heard on TV there's a drag queen called Suppositori Spelling. That made my night.
I love recording my thoughts for the whole world to see.
But wait, I haven't blogged in 4 whole days!
Cuz instead I've been sitting on the couch with my knitting and some Lays.
I say that in jest...it was really takeout Chinese. Last night CP came over and we got takeout from Dragon Bowl and then watched Grey Gardens. I loved it. As my friend Scott pointed out, the scene where the mother is boiling corn on a hot plate in her bedroom is priceless. "He always complements me on my corn..."
Awesome.
I just heard on TV there's a drag queen called Suppositori Spelling. That made my night.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
05-13-07
Where did the weekend go? It's already time to go to bed and start the week. My motivation is that Memorial Day is two weeks away, and not only does Daddy have that day off, but he's taking the Friday before so he can have a super long weekend.
How weird is it talking about yourself in third person?
It's been a good couple of days. My date Friday night with Cutie Pie (CP) went well. Saturday I went to the beach, had dinner with a couple of friends (where I accidentally shot marinara sauce on my friend Scott's new shirt....sorry!), then hung out with some friends. Later in the evening, CP joined us and we ate again.
I don't know if I'm playing hard to get or what, but I haven't even kissed CP after 3 dates. Somehow I got all chaste and shit, and I'm not sure where it came from. Last night when he dropped me off, I hugged him and said "thanks...I had fun!" and ran up the stairs and went to bed. By myself.
Anywho, this is going to be a busy week. I'm going to bed.
P.S. I stopped posting my daily photo here, but I'm still doing the 365 Project and putting them on Flickr. You can see them here.
How weird is it talking about yourself in third person?
It's been a good couple of days. My date Friday night with Cutie Pie (CP) went well. Saturday I went to the beach, had dinner with a couple of friends (where I accidentally shot marinara sauce on my friend Scott's new shirt....sorry!), then hung out with some friends. Later in the evening, CP joined us and we ate again.
I don't know if I'm playing hard to get or what, but I haven't even kissed CP after 3 dates. Somehow I got all chaste and shit, and I'm not sure where it came from. Last night when he dropped me off, I hugged him and said "thanks...I had fun!" and ran up the stairs and went to bed. By myself.
Anywho, this is going to be a busy week. I'm going to bed.
P.S. I stopped posting my daily photo here, but I'm still doing the 365 Project and putting them on Flickr. You can see them here.
Happy Mother's Day
Let's all take a moment to wish Britney a Happy Mother's Day, y'all.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get on with this.
So what are my plans today? You're precious for asking. Well, in a minute I'm going to go see my mother. She was originally supposed to be out of town today, but she showed back up unexpectedly. Wish me luck.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
05-12-07
My date last night was great. He was an absolute gentleman in every way. We went to a couple of art shows, he took me to see Wortham Fountain in the Medical Center, we went to a party in the warehouse district, then had coffee at Starbucks.
Here are a few pictures I snapped throughout the evening.
I'm off to the beach for a few hours. The weather is gorge today.
Here are a few pictures I snapped throughout the evening.
I'm off to the beach for a few hours. The weather is gorge today.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
05-10-07
I have a date tomorrow night. No, I'm not joking. I met a guy the other night, and we've chatted on the phone the last few days. He's a sculptor, and tomorrow night I'm going to some art shows with him, then to have coffee.
So anywho, tomorrow will be also be one year to the day that the last BF broke up with me. Funny that I swore I'd stay single for a year and I'm now going out on my first date since exactly one year later. To tell the truth, he's a nice guy, and I am looking forward to it. However this time around I'm first and foremost in love with myself, and I refuse to completely give myself to a man again. Perhaps that's how I know I'm ready.
So anywho, tomorrow will be also be one year to the day that the last BF broke up with me. Funny that I swore I'd stay single for a year and I'm now going out on my first date since exactly one year later. To tell the truth, he's a nice guy, and I am looking forward to it. However this time around I'm first and foremost in love with myself, and I refuse to completely give myself to a man again. Perhaps that's how I know I'm ready.
Monday, May 7, 2007
05-07-07
Today was a good day, and I'm too tired tonight to write much. I joined a new gym that's around the corner from my house, and at one point I felt like I was at the gay bar there were so many gayboys there.
Today's picture is a photo I keep in a frame on my desk at work. I got so sick of everyone asking if I had a girlfriend when I first started working for my company that I came up with this. I call her Bertha, and I tell everyone she's my girlfriend that is currently in prison. When they ask what she did to end up in prison, I tell them that it is illegal to be that hot.
Really, Bertha was the before photo from a Slim Fast ad cut out of a magazine. But they don't have to know that.
*click the pic to enbiggen*
Today's picture is a photo I keep in a frame on my desk at work. I got so sick of everyone asking if I had a girlfriend when I first started working for my company that I came up with this. I call her Bertha, and I tell everyone she's my girlfriend that is currently in prison. When they ask what she did to end up in prison, I tell them that it is illegal to be that hot.
Really, Bertha was the before photo from a Slim Fast ad cut out of a magazine. But they don't have to know that.
*click the pic to enbiggen*
Sunday, May 6, 2007
05-06-07
I'm meeting Juan at the gym in a minute, but I figured I'd post today's picture. For some reason my cat loves to sit under my desk chair, and today I draped my robe over the back of my chair, and it's turned into a kitty fort. No one can see him, right?
Look at how he curls his feet in like he's laying an egg.
I had such a good time last night, and I'm still coasting today from thinking about it. I got out and socialized and had fun.
Look at how he curls his feet in like he's laying an egg.
I had such a good time last night, and I'm still coasting today from thinking about it. I got out and socialized and had fun.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
photo for today
I had a good time tonight. There were about 10 of us, and we had dinner then went bowling. I bowled a 142! After taking 4 semesters of bowling, I guess I really did learn something in college after all.
Despite that I didn't post a picture for yesterday, I'm still doing the Project 365. Here's my photo for the day....it's a picture of Juan and me at the bowling alley.
You can see my gum in my mouth. Class.
Despite that I didn't post a picture for yesterday, I'm still doing the Project 365. Here's my photo for the day....it's a picture of Juan and me at the bowling alley.
You can see my gum in my mouth. Class.
05-05-07
I invited a friend to go to the yarn store with me today, and he said he'd call me and let me know. Well, I never heard back from him. I know what you're thinking...why would anyone want to go to the yarn store in the first place, but this guy is a knitter too. Then yesterday I cooked a big brisket and invited a friend to come over and eat, and I never heard a word back from him. People are weird.
I rented The Eyes of Laura Mars last night, and it tres sucked. I felt like it was an episode of Charlie's Angels where they showed boobs. Faye Dunaway looked old, even back in 1978.
I'm going to dinner and bowling tonight with Juan and some other old friends that I don't see often. It should be fun, and I plan on taking a photo or two.
My electricity bill for only 2 weeks in this new apartment was $85. Can you imagine what it would be for a whole month? Say like $170? At that rate I'll have to give handjobs on the corner to afford to use my new washer and dryer. Need...to...turn...off...closet...light.
Ok, I'm off to take a bubble bath and find a cute outfit.
I rented The Eyes of Laura Mars last night, and it tres sucked. I felt like it was an episode of Charlie's Angels where they showed boobs. Faye Dunaway looked old, even back in 1978.
I'm going to dinner and bowling tonight with Juan and some other old friends that I don't see often. It should be fun, and I plan on taking a photo or two.
My electricity bill for only 2 weeks in this new apartment was $85. Can you imagine what it would be for a whole month? Say like $170? At that rate I'll have to give handjobs on the corner to afford to use my new washer and dryer. Need...to...turn...off...closet...light.
Ok, I'm off to take a bubble bath and find a cute outfit.
Friday, May 4, 2007
05-04-07
My feelings are a bit hurt.
People that have read my diary for a while ask me sometimes how my friend Maddey is. Truth is, she hasn't talked to me in well over a year now, and I don't know why. I have tried getting in touch with her and she won't ever return my calls or my emails. Wednesday was her birthday, and I sent her a text message saying Happy Birthday, and she wrote back saying "Thanks, but I don't know who this is". I wrote back "Your friend Matt", and she never wrote back. So yesterday I sent a note asking why she isn't talking to me anymore, and I got no response. I honestly don't know what I did, and to tell the truth, I don't think I did anything at all. Her way of dealing with problems is to cut off all the people around her that care about her, and I don't know what might have happened to her, but it must've been a whopper.
So my feelings are hurt, and there's nothing I can do to solve the mystery as to what happened. My only option is to just let things go. Just let it go.
Then I realized that I do the exact same thing that Maddey does. I push people away, then I get upset when they stop coming around.
My interaction with others this week has been strained, and I find myself disappointed. Even people that I generally talk to every day haven't gotten in touch with me at all this week.
I think I need to take a good look at myself.
Today is the third day in a row that I can't post on my Diaryland blog.
People that have read my diary for a while ask me sometimes how my friend Maddey is. Truth is, she hasn't talked to me in well over a year now, and I don't know why. I have tried getting in touch with her and she won't ever return my calls or my emails. Wednesday was her birthday, and I sent her a text message saying Happy Birthday, and she wrote back saying "Thanks, but I don't know who this is". I wrote back "Your friend Matt", and she never wrote back. So yesterday I sent a note asking why she isn't talking to me anymore, and I got no response. I honestly don't know what I did, and to tell the truth, I don't think I did anything at all. Her way of dealing with problems is to cut off all the people around her that care about her, and I don't know what might have happened to her, but it must've been a whopper.
So my feelings are hurt, and there's nothing I can do to solve the mystery as to what happened. My only option is to just let things go. Just let it go.
Then I realized that I do the exact same thing that Maddey does. I push people away, then I get upset when they stop coming around.
My interaction with others this week has been strained, and I find myself disappointed. Even people that I generally talk to every day haven't gotten in touch with me at all this week.
I think I need to take a good look at myself.
Today is the third day in a row that I can't post on my Diaryland blog.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
lists 'n shit
This month marks one year that I've been single. One year without any dates or any interest in finding another potential mate. I never figured I'd make it this long without getting the urge to start dating again, but I think I might have gone too far the other way. I've become so content in my single-ness that I don't know if I'll ever seriously date again, partly out of distrust in others, and partly from lack of interest.
I don't talk or write much anymore about the last guy I dated, and I have to admit that it has taken me a long time to get over things. Honestly, I still don't know if I'm over it, but I'm a heck of a lot better than I was this time last year. So was he a bad guy? No. However one day things were just fine (as far as I knew), and the next thing I knew he had broken up with me, never to speak to me again.
For so long I wanted some sort of closure...some sort of explanation as to what had happened. I felt like a rental car that you turn in and never give a single thought about again. I was a real person with real feelings, and I felt disposable. It hurt.
Now I know that nothing he could have told me would have been enough. Nothing. Because to tell the truth, my real disappointment didn't lie with him...the real truth is that I was disappointed in myself. Yet again I'd handed myself over on a silver platter to a man that was unavailable. I don't blame myself though: I had the best of intentions. I just wanted someone to pay me some attention and make me feel needed.
Anywho, am I lonely these days? Sometimes. However I'm learning that it's ok to be lonely. It doesn't give me cooties or make me a bad person....and truthfully, if I wait long enough, the feelings of loneliness always go away. Why are we conditioned to think that being lonely is always a bad thing?
----------------
Things to do during the month of May:
- organize the closet in my study
- learn how to knit socks and/or hats
- go on just one date, even if it's just coffee....despite the fact that dating terrifies me and I'd rather stay home and knit and watch HGTV
- regain my enthusiasm for working out
- call my sister
- whenever I'm tempted to mention ex-boyfriends, zip my lip (much like I should have done when I mention one above)
- utilize my tanning membership. now is the time of year to actually BE tan, dammit
- bring my lunch as much as possible
- deposit money into my savings account
- try to go to the grocery store once a week rather than every night after work
- laugh, laugh, and then laugh some more
I don't talk or write much anymore about the last guy I dated, and I have to admit that it has taken me a long time to get over things. Honestly, I still don't know if I'm over it, but I'm a heck of a lot better than I was this time last year. So was he a bad guy? No. However one day things were just fine (as far as I knew), and the next thing I knew he had broken up with me, never to speak to me again.
For so long I wanted some sort of closure...some sort of explanation as to what had happened. I felt like a rental car that you turn in and never give a single thought about again. I was a real person with real feelings, and I felt disposable. It hurt.
Now I know that nothing he could have told me would have been enough. Nothing. Because to tell the truth, my real disappointment didn't lie with him...the real truth is that I was disappointed in myself. Yet again I'd handed myself over on a silver platter to a man that was unavailable. I don't blame myself though: I had the best of intentions. I just wanted someone to pay me some attention and make me feel needed.
Anywho, am I lonely these days? Sometimes. However I'm learning that it's ok to be lonely. It doesn't give me cooties or make me a bad person....and truthfully, if I wait long enough, the feelings of loneliness always go away. Why are we conditioned to think that being lonely is always a bad thing?
----------------
Things to do during the month of May:
- organize the closet in my study
- learn how to knit socks and/or hats
- go on just one date, even if it's just coffee....despite the fact that dating terrifies me and I'd rather stay home and knit and watch HGTV
- regain my enthusiasm for working out
- call my sister
- whenever I'm tempted to mention ex-boyfriends, zip my lip (much like I should have done when I mention one above)
- utilize my tanning membership. now is the time of year to actually BE tan, dammit
- bring my lunch as much as possible
- deposit money into my savings account
- try to go to the grocery store once a week rather than every night after work
- laugh, laugh, and then laugh some more
my newest home
Ok, I love Diaryland....always have, always will. However not being able to log in the last 2 days is really pissing me off, therefore I'm moving things back to blogger. Just like I did when I initially left Diaryland a year ago, I feel a bit guilty, yet they really need to step things up and get with the times.
Yes, I'm the Sybil of the blogosphere. Anywho, here is the entry I wrote yesterday but couldn't post.
One of the really cool things about moving to a new apartment is that it gives me the opportunity to start a whole new routine. One of the new routines I have begun is that every Tuesday night, I come home from doing volunteer work and bust out the knitting while first watching American Idol, then whatever movie is on Lifetime. Sersly. A movie on Lifetime while knitting. Last night it was a movie called Angels Fall based on a book by Nora Roberts, and it starred Heather Locklear. Now me luv some Heather long time, but when did she start looking like Bo Derek?
Anywho, check out this picture of the scarf that I finally finished last night. I didn't have anyone else to model it for me, so here I am. Not only do I look fat, but it also looks like a mugshot. That is if someone was arrested while wearing a really gay scarf. Here's the pic.
Update:
My boyfriend Chris was voted off American Idol last night, and I'm declaring it a national day of mourning today. How dare America break him and Blake up!
Yes, I'm the Sybil of the blogosphere. Anywho, here is the entry I wrote yesterday but couldn't post.
One of the really cool things about moving to a new apartment is that it gives me the opportunity to start a whole new routine. One of the new routines I have begun is that every Tuesday night, I come home from doing volunteer work and bust out the knitting while first watching American Idol, then whatever movie is on Lifetime. Sersly. A movie on Lifetime while knitting. Last night it was a movie called Angels Fall based on a book by Nora Roberts, and it starred Heather Locklear. Now me luv some Heather long time, but when did she start looking like Bo Derek?
Anywho, check out this picture of the scarf that I finally finished last night. I didn't have anyone else to model it for me, so here I am. Not only do I look fat, but it also looks like a mugshot. That is if someone was arrested while wearing a really gay scarf. Here's the pic.
Update:
My boyfriend Chris was voted off American Idol last night, and I'm declaring it a national day of mourning today. How dare America break him and Blake up!
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