Thursday, May 3, 2007

lists 'n shit

This month marks one year that I've been single. One year without any dates or any interest in finding another potential mate. I never figured I'd make it this long without getting the urge to start dating again, but I think I might have gone too far the other way. I've become so content in my single-ness that I don't know if I'll ever seriously date again, partly out of distrust in others, and partly from lack of interest.

I don't talk or write much anymore about the last guy I dated, and I have to admit that it has taken me a long time to get over things. Honestly, I still don't know if I'm over it, but I'm a heck of a lot better than I was this time last year. So was he a bad guy? No. However one day things were just fine (as far as I knew), and the next thing I knew he had broken up with me, never to speak to me again.

For so long I wanted some sort of closure...some sort of explanation as to what had happened. I felt like a rental car that you turn in and never give a single thought about again. I was a real person with real feelings, and I felt disposable. It hurt.

Now I know that nothing he could have told me would have been enough. Nothing. Because to tell the truth, my real disappointment didn't lie with him...the real truth is that I was disappointed in myself. Yet again I'd handed myself over on a silver platter to a man that was unavailable. I don't blame myself though: I had the best of intentions. I just wanted someone to pay me some attention and make me feel needed.

Anywho, am I lonely these days? Sometimes. However I'm learning that it's ok to be lonely. It doesn't give me cooties or make me a bad person....and truthfully, if I wait long enough, the feelings of loneliness always go away. Why are we conditioned to think that being lonely is always a bad thing?


Things to do during the month of May:

- organize the closet in my study

- learn how to knit socks and/or hats

- go on just one date, even if it's just coffee....despite the fact that dating terrifies me and I'd rather stay home and knit and watch HGTV

- regain my enthusiasm for working out

- call my sister

- whenever I'm tempted to mention ex-boyfriends, zip my lip (much like I should have done when I mention one above)

- utilize my tanning membership. now is the time of year to actually BE tan, dammit

- bring my lunch as much as possible

- deposit money into my savings account

- try to go to the grocery store once a week rather than every night after work

- laugh, laugh, and then laugh some more

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